Work!!! part one ...

today, So call EL: eMERgency LEAVE... i havent call up my boss yet to tell her my reason for EL
actually, its more likely of lazyness... i took my cough syrup and piriton for URTI... and slept off forgetting the whole world....that the next day i m working... only got up after receiving sms from my colleague, mex.. telling that .. he had punch my card...
anyway that about my so call undeclared EL

started working, for about 5 months.. got extended in this department.. for procedures...
ohh ohh ,, still not done yet with the procedures... extra one more month of extension...
somehow, thank God i pass my viva (Clinical assessment) where early days of my work.. most of my boss telling me "HOW ARE U GOING TO PASS UR CEX" .. i admit it that i m not a brainy or a fast leaner...
it takes time.. sometime i felt like my brain is like a Alzhemieac patient brain...
so much of thing...u have to grasp them in a second and remember them for a lifetime.. if not ur boss will said this :"U SURE GOING TO KILL MY PATIENTS IN DISTRICT"
hello... please dont curse me....
so much of things.. in the early days of my work.,... i come back crying of dissappointment.. hating this job...
all kind of torment come by.. all kind of stare.. given...
i get this "DID U BRING UR BRAIN TO WORK...."
             "ARE U A RETARD..??."
             "ITS UR PATIENTS STILL ALIVE..."
many words given.. sometime i just want to shout n yield back at them...
            "I M merely HUMAN.... stop being so sarcastic..... u were once like me too..."
sometime i felt so small... very very small ...
i get so depress.. even think of ... QUITING ...or just bang the car.. n end my life....
its sound stupid... this is what u call :DEPRESSION...

game of the heart

i still miss him....

stupid feeling that i cant stop thinking about him...
the more i refrain of thinking him the more intense the frequency of him in my though
i was thinking trough ... i never expected anything  as i know nothing can happen between us...
its just an unofficial relationship to just so call for fun .. but i didnt know that it got to me badly
that it really break my heart when it come the time for me to let go ...'
i act as if it is easy to let go .. thinking i be strong enough to face it and wishing his happiness ..
but unlikely...
its not the first time it happen like this .. i always think its just a game .. but seem like a game that u r hoping to win badly  ...
i didnt want to blame him.. because he have been giving the warning .... of impossibilities ..
but still thinking.. nah ... it just a game ...
now i m shouting back to myself ... a game  a game that ended up eating yourself....
sigh.... now i wish i didnt know him ....
someone once remind me                                                                                                                                                       ".I DONT WANT U to MAKE URSELF AN  IDIOT, WHEN U FALL DEEP, n CANNOT COME OUT..."     


when this particular person told me this i was like .. thax for reminding me...


but too bad i met a person that shower me all the affection that i needed that gradually i sink deep n drowning ..... while thinking its just a game ...


so now .. still trying to forget about you .. try to delete every piece of u out of my mind ... 
damn it is not that simple.... 


... i m being an idiot pathetic game that i created for myself....
to that someone... if u read this ... u just can read it trough but not need to take it seriously as it may related to you but its none of your concern for now.... 


one thing i realize in life is ..
when u try to be numb.. its useless u dont feel anything . its like a wooden furniture that u hit them they can feel it .. u clean them , they never feel it neither..
so u choose to have sensation.. and that the time u feel all the taste in the world
... sweet bitter sour salty....




lesson learnt !!!!